i can’t leave just yet.

a repost from my tumblr heheheh

i’ve made a sudden realization and i think it’s best to share it here.

my little niece (3 y/o) and my cousin visited my mom and i to celebrate my lil niece’s birthday. at first, i was a little anxious of their arrival because it’s been long since i’ve been around someone other than my mom. also the fact that i might cuss around kids had me a lil uncomfy whenever i’m around them in general. anyway, that’s a story for a different day.

my cousin set up the decorations on her own. i was attending online classes, so i can’t really help. i was also a little annoyed because my niece likes to barge in rooms without warning, but good thing i got that “curse switch” whenever my niece goes in my room. she’s curious abt my online class things and even if i was a little annoyed, i still entertained her questions and doing what she wants.

it was lunch then, and the food we ordered arrived. my mom and i helped set up the food for picture taking, and while my little niece stood on her tippy-toes on a chair, smiling happily in her Frozen-themed dress and pigtails, holding her number “3” balloon, all i could think of is that she is one of the reasons i can’t leave yet. she, and my other nieces and nephews, and cousins, my family, all of the people who cared for me. i can’t leave yet. i shall be there to watch her grow up, to drive her to school, to help her get over break-ups, to do her make-up, to help her know herself more, i have to be there. i want to be there. i can’t die yet because we haven’t sung our favorite songs in the car. i can’t die yet because i want to be there for her. i can’t die because we haven’t gone shopping yet. i can’t die yet because all of my other nieces and nephews don’t even know me yet. they don’t know me as their aunt, who’ll always be there for them. i can’t die yet because i haven’t made a connection with them. i can’t die yet because i haven’t been their cool babysitter. i can’t die yet because i haven’t spoiled them with anything they want. i can’t die yet because i want to see them grow up. i can’t go yet. i don’t want to abandon them. i don’t want to be known by them through stories told to them. i want to let them know my stories from me. i want to tell them those stories. i don’t want to be history, i want to be with them while we make history. i don’t want to be a memory, i want to make memories with them. i want to be with them.

i think i finally found my reason. and i hope, dear reader, you find yours. don’t lose hope. everything will be okay.